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Do Muslim Husbands Make the
Grade?
When we seek out knowledge
about marriage we see that the Qur'an and Sunnah have assigned
tremendous importance to the marriage contract and have
distinguished it above all other contracts. Indeed the
Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "When a man
marries, he has completed half of his religion and he needs
only to fear Allah to complete the other half." (Mishkat) In
the Qur'an, Allah says, "And how could you take it (back)
while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken
from you a firm and strong covenant?" [4:81]
Purpose of Marriage
Therefore, marriage must be entered into whole-heartedly
and taken very seriously by each of the two partners, and both
of them must be committed to making their marriage a success.
A marriage is truly successful and prosperous only when it is
mutually rewarding. Allah suggests that both partners come
together to cover, protect and beautify each other in the same
way that a garment covers, protects and beautifies the one who
wears it. [2:187] Through this metaphor, we understand that
when two people get married, they cease to consider themselves
individuals but instead as a couple - each person benefiting
by the other equally. In order to flourish, there can be no
hint of selfishness or refusal to compromise between them.
There must be an agreement between the two partners that each
of them will work together to solve whatever problems arise.
They will assist one another and sacrifice in order to gain
mutual happiness, pleasure and peace. This is the purpose and
goal of marriage according to the Shari'ah. As the Lord of the
Heavens and Earth has said, "He it is who has created you from
a single person and [then] He has created from him his wife,
in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living with her."
[7:189]
Allah has designated specific roles for both partners. Only
when these rights are observed and these obligations
fulfilled, can tranquility descend upon the couple and
security surround them in their certain success. If either of
the two partners, out of ignorance or intention refuses to
fulfill his or her duties and thereby does not honor the
rights of the other, the household becomes a living Hell.
Unfortunately, this is a common situation today. Let us focus
now on the responsibilities and desirable characteristics of a
Muslim husband. Many brothers have never asked themselves:
"What are the rights of a wife upon her husband?", "What is my
responsibility toward her?", "What do I owe her?" Never asking
these questions, or answering them with ignorance, causes many
problems in Muslim households. What are the characteristics
every man should possess in order to be a good husband to his
wife? The example of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhe
wasallam, is the ideal model. Let us look specifically at
these characteristics and how we may achieve them in our
lives.
Starting Point
First of all let us understand that Islam is a complete way
of life which offers guidance for mankind in all matters.
Allah is the All-Knowing the All-Wise and He has taken account
of everything which concerns us. He has included the solution
to all of our problems in His Shari'ah. Nothing has been
overlooked. The characteristics of a Muslim husband and the
way to acquire them have been made clearer and easier to
accomplish through the example of Prophet Muhammad,
sallallaahu alayhe wasallam. Allah says, "Indeed you have in
the messenger of Allah a most excellent example of conduct for
him who looks forward to the meeting with Allah and the Last
Day and remembers Allah much." [33:21]
Unfortunately many brothers interpret this in a limited way
- they focus on what we know of the dress and physical
attributes of the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, and
his Sahaba. There is no question that the best example of a
husband and father is the Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhe
wa sallam. Why is it, then, that so many of us are so far from
his example in this area? Could it be that other examples
around us influence our behavior more? Do we believe that our
financial contribution should represent our dedication to our
families? Or have we deliberately ignored the model Allah has
provided us. Allah has taught us that if we want to achieve
Allah's pleasure in all spheres of life, the best example for
us is His Messenger, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam. Indeed, the
Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, himself has informed us
that the excellence of his example encompasses and includes
everything, especially his behavior toward his wives. He,
sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "The best of you are those
who are best toward their wives and I am the best of you
toward my wives." (Tirmithi)
Piety & Fear of Allah
This subject is not new. When Ata' and Ubaydullah ibn Umayr
once asked Aisha about the nature of Prophet Muhammad' s
behavior with her: "Aisha started to weep and said, 'One night
he stood up [intending to offer the night prayer] and said, 'O
Aisha, let me be alone so that I may worship my Lord.' He
stood up, purified himself and continued to pray and weep
until the ground became wet. Bilal came and made the adhan.
When he saw the Prophet crying, he said, 'O Messenger of Allah
[why do] you cry, when Allah has forgiven your past and future
sins?' Prophet Mohammed replied, '[Then, for that] should I
not be a thankful slave?'" (Ibn Hibban)
This is one example that demonstrates the intensity of our
Prophet's devotion to his Lord - his extreme piety and
tremendous fear of Allah. Any man, who wishes to emulate him,
should start by emulating his taqwa (piety). For it is taqwa
of the heart which serves as a foundation for good deeds,
manners and morals and makes the observance of the rights of
others easy. If a man really and truly wants to be a good
husband to his wife, he must also possess fear of Allah. If a
man has the fear of Allah, and it is this fear that most
influences his relationship and his dealings with his wife, he
fears what Allah may do to him if he harms her or treats her
in a way that is unjust and therefore will never mistreat her
in any way - physically or verbally. He knows that he has to
meet Allah and answer for all that he has said and done.
Indeed this is why Hasan ibn Ali said when asked, "'O Hasan I
have a daughter. To whom do you think I should marry her?'
Hasan said, 'Marry her to [a man] who [fears Allah]; for if he
[truly fears Allah] and if he loves her he will honor her and
[even] if he doesn't love her, he will never oppress or abuse
her [because he fears Allah].'"
Education
Among the most important rights a woman has is her right to
be educated about her religion. This responsibility is
incumbent upon her husband. Therefore, one of the most
desirable characteristics of a Muslim husband is that he
himself is knowledgeable about Islam and teaches his wife
whatever he knows. Why would any Muslim husband want to deny
his wife this right? Is it not his wife who will guide his
children as they grow? Isn't she the one who teaches them
about haram and halal? Isn't she the one to see that they
learn to pray and fast? Isn't she the one who must protect her
husband's place and belongings in his absence according to
Islamic guidelines? If her knowledge about the deen is
limited, the entire family will suffer. Many men seek to
shelter their wives from outside influences by forbidding them
to participate in outside activities. Many men may fear that
if their wife's Imaan becomes stronger, she will object to his
behavior or certain weaknesses in his character. These are
reasons that should compel us to participate in her Islamic
education, so as she learns, so will we.
Couples can discuss topics that concern them and agree on
how they will integrate new information into their family's
routine. With this type of cooperation, there is less room for
misunderstandings, and less opportunity for one Muslim to feel
superior to another within the household. This practice will
draw the family members closer to each other and, more
importantly, closer to Allah. "O you who believe! Protect
yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and
stones, over which are [appointed] angels stern and severe,
who do not hesitate to fulfill the commandments of Allah [to
inflict punishment upon the people of Hell] but [rather] they
do [precisely] what they have been commanded [to do]!" [66:6]
We can see that taking an active role in our family's
Islamic education protects our families from the fire of Hell.
We must strive to set the best example possible for our
children, wives and brothers in Islam. It is only by taking
personal responsibility, that we can improve the current state
of the Ummah. We are creating Muslim communities where our
children and grandchildren and brothers and sisters in Islam
will find themselves flourishing or deteriorating in. We must
ensure that they have the means to flourish by improving our
own knowledge of Islam and constantly sharing it with our
families. We need not look far to see members of our Ummah who
have failed to keep Islam as the central focus in their homes.
Let us move forward by each of us looking at ourselves and
asking Allah to help us to achieve this goal.
If we fail to reach this goal, the consequences in the
Hereafter are even more grave, especially for the husband. As
the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, said, "Each one of
you is a shepherd and every shepherd will be asked about his
flock... and the man will be asked about his family." (Bukhari
and Muslim) When the Day of Judgment comes, will our reasons
for not educating our families be sufficient for Allah? Will
we be able to offer any excuse after Allah and His Messenger
have made it clear that educating our wives is a duty enjoined
upon him that he will be asked about?
Brothers, do your wives read the Qur'an, Hadeeth and Seerah
of Prophet Mohammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam? Do they
understand their meanings? Do they practice what they have
learned? It is our obligation to make certain that our wives
have the opportunity and means to continuously increase their
knowledge. To do so will not only please Allah but will
improve the relations of everyone in our homes, our Ummah, and
inshaAllah the societies in which we live.
Presentation is key
Another responsibility of the Muslim husband is to assist
his wife in obeying the commands of Allah. If she should
transgress the limits of Allah, then it becomes his duty to
advise her, admonish her and actually physically prevent her
from doing so. However, it is the right of the wife that this
admonishment be coupled with kindness and mercy. As Allah
says, "And [it was] by the Mercy of Allah, [that] you dealt
gently with them. And had you been severe and harsh-hearted,
they would have broken away from about you; so overlook their
faults, ask that [Allah's] forgiveness be granted to them and
consult with them in [the] affairs of the moment." [3:159]
Therefore, if a husband is over-bearing and insisting, his
wife's behavior will most likely not be corrected. She may
even persist in her disobedience, returning his cruelty.
Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, advised us to
"treat women kindly. [The] woman has been created from a rib
[which is curved]. The most crooked part of the rib is the
uppermost part. If you were to try [to force] it straight you
will [certainly] break it and if you leave it as it is, it
will remain curved. So [admonish] women kindly." (Bukhari and
Muslim) So when a husband offers advise, or reminds or
admonishes his wife, he must take this hadeeth into
consideration and exercise his authority in a gentle manner in
order to bring about the desired result.
A wife is an Advisor
The nature of marriage is one of a continuous growing
relationship. Every person has likes and dislikes and wants to
feel his or her opinion matters. Also, because a husband and
wife spend many hours, days and years together, InshaAllah,
they get to know each other's strengths and weaknesses very
well. It is for this reason that a wife can be the best
advisor for her husband. Also, sometimes we are so involved in
other aspects of a situation that we find it hard to find a
suitable solution. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam,
used to discuss certain matters with his wives and ask for
their advice.
An example of this happened shortly after the treaty of
Hudaybeyah was signed, Many of the Prophet's companions were
displeased with the treaty and the great number of compromises
it contained. So, when the Prophet ordered the companions to
shave their heads, slaughter their animals and prepare to
return to Madinah, instead of complying as they had always
done in the past, the companions remained in their places.
This greatly disturbed the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe
wasallam, for his companions had never disobeyed him in this
manner before. He, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, went to Umm
Salamah and asked her for advice. She told him, "You are the
Messenger of Allah. Shave your head and slaughter your animal
and the people will do as you have done." So the Prophet,
sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, had his head shaved and
slaughtered his animal and the people followed him.
Because a wife usually knows her husband better than anyone
else, it is naturally her place to offer him constructive
criticism and it is her husband's duty to consider it. Many
men would not like to hear criticism from their wives, but,
many times she is the best one to offer an accurate assessment
of his character and behavior. We should realize that none of
us is perfect, and that Allah allowed us this safe
relationship where we can offer help to one another and use
every opportunity available to improve ourselves and the image
we present as a model for our families, friends and others. As
Umar ibnul Khattab once said, "May Allah have Mercy upon the
one who points out my shortcomings."
Graceful Helper
Isn't that women's work? That is the opinion that many of
us have. It is true that most of the time, women care for the
house and children. But, this does not mean that it should be
their responsibility alone. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe
wasallam, never enjoyed coming home to relax in leisure after
a hard day at work. His work did not end with his coming home;
instead, a new order of engagements and activities commenced.
Aisha was once asked, "How was the Prophet's conduct in his
home?" She said, "He was like one of you at home, yet he was
most lenient and most generous. His spirits were high at all
times, [he] smiled and even joined [us] in laughter at times.
He was ready to give a helping hand to his wives in the
ordinary work of the house, [he] sew[ed] his own clothes [and]
mend[ed] his own shoes. In general, he helped in whatever work
his wives did. However, when the call to prayer was
pronounced, he dropped everything and hurried to the masjid."
(Tabaqat of Ibn Sad)
So the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, showed us
that we should deal with our wives with consideration for
their sensitive and delicate nature in all things. The same
kind and gentle manner prescribed for correcting her should
also exist with what we view as her work. We know about the
Prophet's opinion that his work did not end at the doorway to
his home. He took the initiative to do whatever needed to be
done. This idea is very important today. Many of us do not
realize the amount of effort that goes into keeping the house
clean, the children cared for and the meals prepared. Brothers
just try to imagine what your lives would be like if for some
reason you had to do all of this by yourself, in addition to a
job outside the home. It would seem impossible. It helps to
show your wife that you appreciate her efforts. You may tell
her that you appreciate her, but do you show her? When was the
last time you did the laundry, ran the vacuum, changed a
diaper, provided a home-cooked meal for your family, or gave
your wife a day off (while you completed her chores for that
day)? This may seem strange to you, but I guarantee that if
you did this at least once a month, your relationship with
your wife will become even better. Showing the initiative to
help your wife, and lessen her burden will mean so much more
to her than the effort you put forth.
Although active participation in the housework and the care
of the children was never a problem for the Prophet,
sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, it seems to be inconceivable to
many modern men. They feel that housework is beneath them and
that if they were to stoop to that level, their peers would
see them as weak - perhaps controlled by their wives. The
reality is that Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam,
was the ruler of Madinah, Commanding General of the Muslim
military, the Imam of the Muslims, their Grand Mufti and
Allah's Khaleel and His Chosen Messenger as well as the head
of a number of households. Yet all of this status and rank did
not detract from his humility or cause him to think that
household chores were beneath him.
Ask yourself which of the men in your Muslim community have
been happily married for twenty or more years? We cannot
assume that merely being twenty years together means they are
both happy. Find a man who you know to be happy and
family-oriented and who speaks highly of his wife. Go and ask
him what his wife appreciates most about him. Here you will
find your answer. More than likely, this man cares more about
the happiness of his family than the opinions of the men
around him.
Healthy Body, Healthy Mind
Doesn't it feel good when you play your favorite sport? You
get to run and use your body and make yourself tired. Isn't
this better than feeling tired from worrying or working too
hard? Allah has directed us to take care of our bodies, not
only men but women also. Aisha reported, "I raced with the
Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, and beat him in the
race. Later, after I had put on some weight, we raced again.
This time he was the winner. At that time he said to me, "This
one cancels that one." (Abu Dawud) On another occasion Aisha
said, "By Allah, I saw the Messenger of Allah standing at the
door of my house, while the Abyssinians were displaying their
skill with spears in the courtyard of the Prophet's masjid. He
concealed me with his cloth so that I could see their play and
he stood there for me until I [became tired and] left. So, be
understanding of the young woman who is eager for
entertainment." (Muslim) Here we can see that it was not the
intention of Allah to keep a woman in her house, hidden from
any temptation to participate in physical exercise. In fact,
it is one of the duties and responsibilities of the Muslim
husband to spend quality time with his wife and to allow her
to engage in permissible forms of recreation. It is really not
right for a husband to go out to play a game while his wife
remains tucked away in the house with no one to talk to except
a three-year-old.
Many brothers feel that the Islamic regulations concerning
hijab forbid a woman to leave the house for recreation, but
the above evidences seem to refute this position. In fact,
when a woman wears hijab, she is recognized as a Muslim woman
and thus protected from being molested. And, the society is
protected from the fitnah that would occur if she were not
properly clothed. Husbands have to realize that women need
exercise, just as much, if not more than they do. Men are
often complaining about their wives' weight, but as soon as a
wife asks their husband to take her out for a walk so that she
might lose some weight he says, "No, your place is in the
home!" A Muslim husband must take his wife out on a regular
basis for recreation. Some permissible types are as follows:
Horseback riding, a trip to a country farm or park, a zoo, a
museum, picnic (in a secluded place), a scenic drive, fishing,
or boating. These are just a few of the many things that the
Shari'ah has either encouraged or permitted. In all
circumstances the woman should wear the proper hijab and
seclusion should be sought. Even if others are around the
woman, she may still enjoy herself within limits.
May Allah guide the Muslim husbands and allow them to see
the importance of this matter.
On Loan from Allah
We know that everything we possess is on loan from Allah.
He enables us to earn money through our work in this world. We
do our best to use that money to provide for our families in
the best way possible.
The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, said, "When a
person spends upon his family, hoping for reward from Allah,
then that spending is counted (in his record of good deeds) as
a charity." (Bukhari and Muslim) Allah says, "Let the man of
means spend according to his means, [as for] the man whose
resources arc limited, let him spend according to what Allah
has given him." [65:7]
Truth or Consequence
Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "O you who believe! Why
do you say that which you do not do? Most hateful it is in the
sight of Allah that you say that which you do not do."
[61:2-3]. There must be total agreement between our words and
deeds. One should carry into effect whatever he says, and when
he has no intention of doing it, or lacks the means necessary
to fulfill a promise, he should not say it.
We can see that Prophet Muhammed, sallallaahu alayhe wa
sallam, was not typical for the men around him in many ways.
We also know that his way was the best in the Sight of Allah.
Allah wanted his life to be the example we have to follow. We
see others around us behaving in one way and we have the
Sunnah as a contrasting example. We see families in turmoil,
divorce becoming more common, children disinterested in Islam
and our elders crying. We must all become active participants
in the ummah.
It is our responsibility to influence the world around us,
not to succumb to its influence on us. We must strive everyday
to emulate the perfect example Allah has given us. We must
work harder to participate in our families' Islamic education,
we must show our wives that we appreciate their efforts by
helping them, and we must also encourage them to seek more
knowledge about Islam in order to enrich our children with
such an environment. We need to check our behavior when
dealing with our wives. Are we really treating them in a kind
and gentle manner? Do we always do what we say?
When the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "When
a man marries he has completed half of his religion and he
needs only fear Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, to complete the
other half." (Mishkat), he was reminding us that marriage is
not separate from, but part of the deen. Therefore, all
aspects of our marital relationship should follow the way of
Islam
Al-Jumuah vol.10 issue10
Last modified:
July 19, 2007
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