ADVICE TO THE MOTHERS
1. Consider children a great bounty of Allah Ta'ala. Rejoice at
their birth. Congratulate one another on their arrival. Welcome the
children into this world with Du'aas of righteousness and blessings.
Express your gratitude unto Allah Ta'ala for affording you the
opportunity of nurturing a Muslim servant and also for allowing you
to leave behind your worldly and religious successor. Make Du‘aa
that Allah Ta'ala makes this child an addition to the Muslim Ummah
as a Da'i (inviter to Islâm) and a true servant of the Den.
2. If you don’t have any children, make Du‘â unto Allah Ta'ala
for pious children just as Hadrat Zakariyya (alayhis salaam) made
Du‘â. He entreated Allah Ta'ala in the following words:
Rabbî Hab Lî min Ladunka
Zurriyatan-Tayyibah Innaka Sam‘îud-Duâ.
Trans: “O My Lord! Grant me from your side pleasant children for
verily You are very attentive to the prayers (of everyone). [Maryam]
3. Don’t ever be disappointed on the birth of children. Due to
financial restraints or health problems or due to any other reason,
vigorously refrain from fretting and fuming, from regarding the
child as an encumbrance or from belittling or cursing the child.
4. After the birth of the child, wash and clean him up and then
call out the Azân in the right ear and Iqâmah in the left ear. There
is great wisdom in ensuring that the names of Allah Ta'ala and His
Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) fall onto the child’s ears
the moment he is born. ‘Allamah Ibnu Qayyim writes in his book
Tohfatul-Wadood: “The purpose of this is to ensure that words
denoting the grandeur and greatness of Allah Ta'ala falls first onto
the ears of the child. The Shahâdah (attestation) that would
Physically admit him into Islâm later on, the words of the same
Shahâdah are being dictated to him the day he is born just as the
words of the Kalimah are dictated to him when he is breathing his
last. Another benefit of calling out the Azân and Iqâmah is that
Shaytân, who is just waiting to waylay a person and seeks to
entangle a person with a snare of trials and tribulations from the
moment he is born, flees the moment he hears the Azân. Before the
beckoning of Shaytân, he is summoned to the call of Islâm and the
devotion of Allah Ta'ala.”
5. If possible, after the Azân and Iqâmah, get a pious man or
woman to chew a piece of date or anything sweet and place it onto
the palate of the child and request the pious person to make Du‘â
for the child.
6. Choose a suitable name for the child. Name the child after the
prophets or the Sâhâbah or add the word ‘Abd to one of the names of
Allah Ta'ala like ‘Abdullâh, ‘Abdur-Rahmân etc.
7. If out of ignorance you kept an offensive or unpleasant name,
change it with another appropriate name.
8. Perform ‘Aqîqah on the seventh day. Slaughter two animals for
a male and one for a female issue. However, slaughtering two animals
for a male child is not necessary. Even one would suffice.
Thereafter shave the child’s hair and give gold or silver equivalent
to the weight of the hair in charity. (You may give cash as well.)
9. On the seventh day, circumcise on the male child. However, if
this is not possible by the seventh day, get it done at least before
he is seven years old. Khatnah (circumcision) is an Islâmic
characteristic.
10. When the child starts talking, teach him the words of “Lâ
ilâhâ IllAllah” first.
11. Feed the child with your own milk as well. This is a right of
the child over the mother. Breastfeeding is one of the favours the
Holy Qurân reminds the children about thereby emphasising the
importance of showing kindness to the mother. The child naturally
develops more love for the mother who breastfeeds him. Such children
are generally more obedient and the mothers also have fewer
complains about such children. Coupled with this, it is also the
mother’s responsibility that with every drop of milk, she imparts
the lesson of Tauhîd, the love of Rasulullahullâh ? , the devotion
to Dîn to the child and also that she endeavours to instil this love
in his heart and soul. Do not lighten your burdens and relegate your
responsibility onto the father’s shoulders but fulfil this pleasant
religious obligation yourself and you will be blessed with spiritual
tranquillity and joy. As far as possible, stay away from T‘awizes
(amulets etc.) for the children. Instead of utilising T‘awîzes for
them, teach them the Du'aas for various occasions. Recite verses of
the Holy Qurân and blow on them yourself. Also inculcate in them the
habit of reciting the Manzil and memorising the verses contained
therein.
12. Refrain from intimidating the child. The anxiety he suffers
in these developing years will affect his mind and soul for the rest
of his lifetime. Generally, such children are not primed to
accomplish any feat of merit. Also, don’t force the child to do
anything when he his hungry.
13. Be particularly cautious about scolding, admonishing and
rebuking the child for every trivial matter. Instead of showing
disgust towards their deficiencies, with wisdom and enthusiasm,
endeavour to rear them with love and affection. Nonetheless, your
conduct with them should portray that you will not tolerate anything
contrary to the Sharî‘ah.
14. Always treat your children with love, affection and warmth.
As far as possible, attend to their needs and kindle their spirit of
obedience. Avoid questioning the child about Why? When? and Who?
Avoid questions like: “Why did you do this? Don’t you have any
shame? When would you learn? I don’t know what to do with you!”
Instead of admonishing the child in this manner, employ a positive
stance. Rub your hand over his head and very affectionately explain
that this is not what should be done. Etc. etc.
15. Show love and affection to the younger children. Rub your
hands affectionately over their heads. Take them into your lap and
love them. Your conduct with them should be one of cheerfulness and
joviality. Don’t act like a stern and cruel ruler with them.
Conducting yourself in this stern manner will fail to encourage any
loving spirit in the hearts of the children for their parents. Also,
the children will fail to develop any form of self-confidence and
the harsh behaviour of their parents has an adverse effect on the
natural nurturing of the child.
16. Expend all your energies in providing your children with
decent education and wholesome upbringing. In pursuit of this
objective, don’t be the least hesitant. This is your religious
obligation, a great favour unto your children and a great act of
goodwill unto yourself as well.
17. When the child reaches the age of seven, teach him about the
performance of Salâh. Instruct him to observe this act of ‘Ibâdat.
Make the girls perform the Salâh with you and send the boys to the
Musjid with their father and develop the enthusiasm for the
performance of Salâh. When they turn ten and they show any
shortcoming in discharging this obligation, punish them
appropriately. Let your actions and statements point out to them
that you would not tolerate any form of carelessness in the
discharge of this duty.
18. When they turn ten, separate their beds and make each one of
them sleep on separate beds.
19. Always keep the children clean and tidy. Be very particular
about their hygiene, bathing and cleanliness. Ensure that their
clothes are clean and Pâk. However, abstain from excessive grooming
and vanity. Keep the girls clothing simple as well. Don’t ruin the
morals of the boys by making them wear flamboyant and gaudy
clothing.
20. Avoid mentioning their faults in front of others. Be very
cautious about putting the child to shame. At all costs, refrain
from bruising his ego. Similarly, when one of them errs, don’t scold
all of them. Advise the offender separately or take appropriate
action against him alone.
21. In front of the children, don’t reveal your despair over
their failure to rectify themselves. In fact, to boost their
spirits, praise them wholeheartedly even over trivial achievements.
Always try to encourage them and raise their spirit of
self-confidence.
22. Relate to them the stories of the Prophets (Alayhimus
salaam). Explain how they invited the non-Muslims to Islâm and what
role their character played in attracting the infidels to Islâm.
Also narrate to them incidents from the lives of the Sahâbah (Radhiallaahu
Anhum) and other pious people. Regard such narration as crucial for
their morals and for the development of their affiliation towards
Dîn. In spite of your thousand and one other chores, take out a bit
of time for this as well. May Allah Ta'ala assist you and all the
other Muslim mothers.
23. Periodically, make the children distribute alms, food etc. to
the poor with their on hands. This would promote a spirit of
sympathy and generosity towards the poor. Now and again, allow them
to distribute food, (sweets etc.) to their other siblings as well as
this would engender a sense of recognising the rights of others and
create a spirit of impartiality amongst them.
24. Do not comply with the child’s every whim and fancy. With
tact and wisdom, try to dissuade the child from this habit. Employ a
bit of harshness now and again. Don’t turn them into obstinate and
adamant children by showering them with misplaced love.
25. Avoid speaking in harsh tones. Avoid yelling and shrieking
and advise the children to speak in a moderate and gentle tone as
well. Also stress upon them to avoid shouting and yelling at one
another.
26. Develop amongst them the habit of doing everything by
themselves. They should avoid depending on the servants for every
little thing.
27. If there is a squabble amongst children, don’t side with your
child unfairly. Remember, just as you cherish certain feelings in
favour of your child, other parents also cherish the same feelings
in favour of their children. Also, don’t allow the complaints of
your sister-in-law’s children or the complaints of the neighbours to
reach your husband.
28. Always be impartial to all your children. Be very cautious
and refrain from showing favouritism at all costs. If you have a
greater inclination to one of your children you are excused but as
far as your conduct, behaviour and dealings are concerned, you
should be impartial and fair to each one of them.
29. Always be an excellent example to your children. You are unto
your children a perpetual and silent teacher who is always studied
and scrutinised by the children. Even in jest, do not speak lies
before your children.
30. Be cheerful on the birth of a daughter just as you are
cheerful on the birth of a son. Girls or boys, both are blessings of
Allah Ta'ala. Allah alone knows which is best for you; a boy or a
girl. Similarly, don’t express displeasure when one of your
sister’s-in-law gives birth to a girl child. Also don’t pressure
your sister-in-law or your brother’s in laws to give gifts etc. on
this occasion, thereby attracting their curses. Forcing others to
give presents renders one guilty of accepting or partaking of Harâm
wealth. It appears in the Hadîth that Rasulullahullâh ? said:
“Behold! The wealth of a person is not Halâl except with the
happiness of the heart. [Mishkât Page 255 Hadîth 8] May Allah Ta'ala
protect us all from Harâm gifts.
31. Bring up your daughters with heartfelt joy, devout happiness,
and a sense of religious spirit. In compensation of this, cherish
the hope of Jannah from Allah Ta'ala.
32. Do not regard the female child as inferior to the male and do
not give him preference over her. Expose the same love for both of
them and conduct yourself impartially with both of them.
33. With enthusiasm and care, ensure that you give the girls
their fixed share of a deceased’s estate. Also, be specific in your
will about depriving the daughters of their share of the
inheritance. Make sure you study books on this subject like
Tarîqa-e-Wasiyyat and Ahkâm-e-Mayyit.
34. The ideal mother is she who instils the honour and esteem of
her husband into the hearts of her children. She explains in various
ways the status he commands as a leader and chief of the household.
For instance, when something crops up, she responds by saying:
“We’ll ask your father when he returns. We’ll do it if he agrees
otherwise not because there is always good in obeying him. Allah
Ta'ala is also pleased. Dad is the leader of the household.
Obedience to the leader in permissible matters removes a number of
calamities and this also attracts the mercy of Allah Ta'ala.” Etc.
etc.
35. Similarly, the ideal mother is she who refrains from arguing
and quarrelling with her husband in front of her children. In spite
of the most detestable behaviour of her husband, she exercises
patience in front of them and submits to the husband: “Yes, I was at
fault, I am sorry. This won’t happen in the future.” Then when she
is alone with him, she explains the proper situation to him and that
she didn’t say anything at that time because of the children.
Similarly, the ideal mother is she who refrains from giving the
husband and children any sad news the moment they come home. She
does not pounce on them with a volley of questions nor does she
criticise them on any of their shortcomings the moment they step
foot into the house. Instead, she greets them with Salâm, feeds them
properly and then she says what has to be said.
36. The ideal mother is she who tries to maintain between two
children an appropriate gap that allows the first one to complete
breastfeeding and become a bit self-sufficient and also it affords
the mother to overcome her weakness she suffered due to childbirth
and breastfeeding. This gives her the opportunity to lighten her
shoulders from the turmoil of a very young child. Now when she has
no other valid Shar‘î excuse, she prepares herself for the next
child so that each one of them can be brought up correctly and each
one is awarded individual attention. This gap also offers her the
opportunity to offer each child her individual attention and also it
also allows her to recuperate after the weakness of childbirth,
breastfeeding etc. Also, this gap ensures that the milk she is
presently feeding is not adversely affected by another pregnancy.
Therefore, it is recommended that the couple employ temporary
measures of birth control and maintain a reasonable gap between
their children. In fact, in view of the health of the mother or the
child or on grounds of compelling reasons, after consulting with the
Muftîs, she may even maintain a longer gap provided her intentions
are not warped.
37. The ideal mother is she who honours her husband’s as well as
her own mother in a manner pleasing unto Allah Ta'ala and this in
turn engenders the same graciousness, Dînî spirit and honour amongst
her children as well. She who happens to be a “coolness unto the
eyes” of her mother and the husband’s mother, her children will also
be a “coolness unto her eyes”.
38. The ideal mother is she who practises upon the advices
proffered in this book and endeavours to instil these attributes
into her Muslim sisters as well. She also encourages her Muslim
sisters to read this book and books like Tohfa-e-Khawâtîn,
Tohfa-e-Dulhan, Fadâil-e-A‘amâl, Fadâil-e-Sadaqât. She also makes
Du‘â for the compiler of this book and the people who have assisted
in its publication and also for those men and women engaged in the
effort of Dîn.
39. Do not keep two daughters-in-law of conflicting temperament
together. Ensure that you don’t get two of your sons married at the
same time. If you have to do this, ensure that they stay separately.
This arrangement encompasses a number of benefits and advantages to
all parties concerned. For further information on this topic, read
the book Tohfa-e-Dulhâ under the chapter “advices to the parents of
the groom”.
40. When your daughter reaches the age of seven, bring her up in
such a manner that she avoids shaking hands with men and she covers
all her hair when she steps out of the home. Also, from an early
age, develop the habit of making her wear long tops and (cotton)
pants so that her legs remain covered at all times.
41. Together with the aforementioned strategies, make Du'aas for
your children with ardent zeal and enthusiasm. Also abstain from the
disobedience of Allah Ta'ala and restrain others from the same. It
is hoped that Allah Ta'ala would not thrust aside the sincere Du'aas
emanating from the depths of the parent’s hearts.
Last modified:
July 19, 2007
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