Living with Sibling Rivalry

Six things parents can do to minimize the negative aspects of sibling

Don‘t play with my toys! It’s mine not your yours!” Ask any mother - these are typical quotes often heard within any household with young children.

These types of arguments between siblings are normal and a fact of life. Childhood “spit-spats” between siblings are often rooted in sibling rivalry. But what is Sibling rivalry? Simply defined, it is the competition between offspring for their parents attention. It is the feeling of one child that he is loved less and receives less attention than another child within the family. It often starts with the arrival of a new baby in the house and in some cases grows into more severe interpersonal problems between adolescent and young adult siblings.

Yet all sibling rivalry is not bad. There are lessons that can be learned from childhood arguments. In particular, children can learn valuable communication and negotiating skills during these childhood fights. In other words, they can learn to be assertive in communicating their needs without resorting to violence. Furthermore, it is recommended that parents stay out of their children’s verbal aruments and let them learn to resolve their own conflicts. In fact, parental interference can often heighten any feeLings of sibling rivalry between children. Often time’s children and teenagers perceive parental involvement as showing favoritism towards another child. However, if the situation becomes a fist fight - parents need to intervene and separate the children for a cooling down period.

The following is a list of suggestions that parents can use to minimize the negative aspects of sibling conflict.

* Show affection with younger children. This is especially important with the arrival of a new baby within the family. Let’s face it - no child likes to receive less attention. Yet, with all the physical demands placed on a mother during this period - it is hard for her to spend individual attention with her older children especially without the help of the extended family structure. If possible - recruit help with the household cleaning duties and spend some individual quality time with the older children. Also, it is important depending upon the child’s developmental level to explain to the child that this period will not last forever and for the present the new baby needs additional attention.

Furthermore, showing affection to children is a part of the Sunnah. In a hadeeth narrated Abu Hurairah, Allah’s Apostle kissed al-Hasan bin Ali while al-Aqra ibn Habis at-Tamimi was sitting beside him. Al-Aqra said, "I have ten children and I have never kissed anyone of them.” Allah’s
Apostle cast a look at him and said, “Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” (Bukhari).

* Acknowledge your child’s feelings of jealousy and frustration. It is important to both listen to and accept their feelings. For a younger child - this is a really good time to give them that extra hug and kiss. For older children - this is often a good time to let them verbally express their feelings. This is important since if children receive negative reinforcement from the parent that their feelings are “wrong” they often resort to acting out or suffer stress-induced illnesses such as stomachaches.

* Design a reward program for cooperative behavior between arguing children. For example, reward both children if they do not fight for a specific period of time. Consider doubling the reward if the children are cooperating and helping each other. This helps to strength family bonds and provides an incentive for positive behavior.

* Avoid comparing children. This is extremely important especially if the children are at different developmental levels. For example, nobody likes hearing that when his older brother was his age stories. While they might be true, it is important for parents to remember that each child is an original with his or her own strengths and weaknesses. Comparing the strengths and weaknesses between children is like comparing apples and oranges. It is best to accentuate the strengths of each child with that particular child - not with his siblings.

* Treat your children fairly and be careful not to show favoritism. An-Nu’man ibn Bashir once on the pulpit said, “My father gave me a gift but Amra bint Rawaha (my mother) said that she would not agree to it unless he made Allah’s Apostle as a witness to it. So, my father went to Allah’s Messenger and said, ‘I have given a gift to my son from Amra bint Rawaha, but she ordered me to make you as a witness to it, O Allah’s Messenger!’ Allah’s Messenger asked, 'Have you given (the like of it) to everyone of your sons?’ He replied in the negative. Allah’s Messenger said, ‘Fear Allah, and be just to your children.’ My lather then returned and took back his gift.” (Bukhari)

* I Lastly remember that fighting between siblings is normal. It will happen and in no way reflects your parenting ability. In fact if handled correctly, it can be a learning opportunity for your children.

BY MAYSOON ZAZA